Challenging myself not to cry

By Rim

Only when it's raining I feel the urge to cry, so I lock myself in that room while its already midnight, just to hear vehemently the Pitter-patter

And oh god it feels good somehow 

So I try so hard to romanticize this moment

I no longer crave the ability to describe my emotions 

But I'd rather read a book than calling a friend with that quavering voice. 

But it's hard to read when you are teary-eyed 

Pain

Pain

More pain

The melancholy of this unending pain... 

Thinking of a way to make it stop

I call it self-harm 

Scratch my skin and cut it

just to see if I can still feel anything in this pathetic life

But I feel nothing at all

as I watch my crimson blood fall

I score my skin, deeper and deeper, push the knife in

nothing..... not even a sting...absolutely nothing

My lips are parched, my throat is dry, and my breath is coming out in slow deliberate long breaths.

My mind stays warped, damaged, and tainted.

The edges of my eyes hurt from too much rubbing.

My heart is still hurting, as it does every day and night.

My eyes stay shut as I think about how I am going to survive tomorrow.

...

Footsteps I heard

I am good at acting, at least I guess

I am fine I said 

They believe it, damn

Hilarious!

I mean I am really fine 

But not happy

... 

I feel jealous 

From the people who have that person they talk to day and night

A reciprocate feelings of affection and love

I know it's so adorable 

Seek me, please...

I want to experience that feeling when you love someone and you know that he/she loves you back 

Whisper to my ears "I love you, my girl,

regardless of the controversy, you create."

Sorry it's another dream I m unable to hide

Cause loving you is like self-harm 

...

Oh... His mesmerizing sleepy eyes

I want to please them 

Remorse

That shit is going to hurt but

Loving him is like loving acid 

Burning so good

Keep seeking the words that I want to hear

Now I m pleasing myself with something beautifully harmful 

... Touching skin feels  intensely heavenly 

... 

You helped me when I was about to end my life

I mean you shouldn't have stopped me

But thank you anyway 

Now

Where are you? 

I wonder 

... 

Hello my... Friends? 

So many smiles  only to come home and feel my cheeks hurting from faking smiles hein

... 

And sorry to my old lover 

Lately, I've been experiencing teenagers' life

It's full of "wow" 

Wow was never a word to describe good things 

We made it look like that 

But anyway 

I wonder if I am a good memory to you or just a shadow from your past

Cause I've never forgotten about how nice you were to me

I still remember your birthday and your favorite song

I remember how you turned my tears into smiles

For real you made me at that time an egoistic girl

I wanted you all for me

But who cares 

I was just a friend to you! No matter how hard I've tried

... 

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