Speak my truth

 Dear reader, I always thought that I had a wider vision than everyone, experienced more than everyone, so I liked to act cool in public, telling people all kinds of logic. Friends, teachers also family used to tell me "why you are always smiling?" Like damn, can't you see the tears that I'm hiding, indeed, I liked that...showing others that I'm pretty great, that my life is super mysterious and ablaze. 

    Dear reader, actually the real me is different from what they have seen, I truthfully had no friends, all girls hated me, guys approaching me with the motive, no one treated me sincerely.   

    Don't think ill of me for saying so but the first time I tried to kill myself I was 14, I waited until my family went to work, and I was alone in the house, I picked up the knife, put it on my neck and pressed it slowly, meanwhile I realized that no one was watching, listening or caring and that there was only I and ME. I was about to abolish my life, to slay myself, knowing that my imaginary happy world will grow pale and blank, knowing that my dreams will fade and die and will fall like the yellow leaves from the trees. Up to then, my lips made a shape from sadness, my hands started trembling seeking relief, I put down the knife because I was afraid of my fate, my 14 was almost fearful.

    Gentle reader, at an early age I've realized that life is full of big questions, I've realized that people's mannerisms depend on their emotions, at an early age I gave the wrong definition of who I Am. The 14 years old me, a girl looking at the mirror, and she hates what she sees, honestly, I hated myself for too long, and I had low self-confidence, I didn't trust myself but I trusted others, I didn't believe in myself but I believed in others, I didn't love myself but I loved others.

    Loneliness was my only loyal friend, dear reader I will tell you my definition of loneliness, she is a dark place, it's like sitting in a room at night by yourself and feel like this is eternity.

    It's upsetting to hear that even family makes me sad as well,  I'm a girl who keeps hearing depressing words from her mother, I'm a girl who never has received a kiss, a hug, or a gift from her dad. I'm a girl repeating her mistakes over and over, and like many of you, I'm still fighting.

    The next day I go to school, wearing a happy mask. It's was obvious that I wasn't fine, everyone could see it but they can't do anything about it, and  I didn't cry for help because you only cry for help when there is help to cry for. 

  

    Maybe because of how they treated me, I become a kind person, I'd rather hurting my feelings than hurting yours, because it's painful to be heartbroken and I don't want someone to get broken. 

    "We can't go back to yesterday, even if that was beautiful, we have to move on, even if tomorrow is gloomy" that is what I would have told you if you stayed, but like all people I knew, you left without saying goodbye. 

   Dear reader, please in the coming days be careful with your words, because there are some things that you would say that at some points will make the listener suffer, and as long as you need someone to tell you you are not alone, there is someone there needs to here the same from you, be kind to yourself and the people around you.